A Tribute to Julius

We were introduced in January, 2008 under extreme circumstances.  My previous vehicle, a Ford Taurus had been totaled.   I had to find a new vehicle quickly.  You were the only one I looked at and after that first test drive I knew you were the one.  If not love at first sight, it was at least an intense like.

You fit me in style, comfort, age.  Not brand new, you had a few miles on you - about 21K.  You had been around the block a few times.  You fit me in all areas except maybe color.  But I grew to love and appreciate your hue.  

Your official color is Blazing Copper.  The Barblings' dad called you the Flaming Pumpkin.  Many people refer to you as red (maybe it's a blue dress/black dress thing going here).  I see orange and thus your name, (Orange) Julius.

A 2008 Ford Escape, escape we did!  We've escaped to 12 states and 2 countries.  We've been up and down mountains, You've carried me through snow, rain, heat, gloom of night.  We've been through tornado-like winds in Indiana and a snow storm across the wiiiiddde state of Ohio.

There was Martin Luther King Day in 2013 when my normal 50 minute commute home took 150 minutes because of a blizzard. THAT trip ended with me sliding in to the back of a WalMart semi and you cracked your bumper cover.

We ran out of gas. We had flat tires. We hit a turkey (more correctly, the turkey hit us) and shattered your windshield. And there was that incident last winter where I drove you (unintentionally) in to a snow filled drainage ditch (sorry).

We've carried kids and dogs and camping gear and shopping bags. You've heard me laugh and cry and scream. You keep my secrets.

Now, after 154K miles together, it's time to put you "out to pasture". I do so unwillingly but both our safety is at stake.  I'm not sure we'd make it through another winter.

The first bumper sticker I ever placed on you was a "Longmire for Sheriff" sticker, after the Craig Johnson book series.  That bumper sticker is now in tatters, much like Walt Longmire himself.

Tomorrow, I trade you in for a new vehicle, but you can never be replaced.  You'll stay in my memories forever.  I can't imagine anyone better for me than you, Julius.

Goodbye my faithful friend. You've served me well.

Insomnia

Late at night,
Or very early morning
Nascent thoughts
Evoke
Longing.
Yet will I trust Him.

Crucified

My heart is torn to pieces.
My desire ripped from me;
My desire, not Yours.

If this were a medical procedure
There'd be anesthesia
And plenty of meds afterwards.

But this is not surgery,
No doctor wielding a scalpel.
This is a crucifixion.

My desire is being crucified,
But unlike Jesus, because of Jesus
God has not forsaken me.

God has not forsaken me!
He is with me; the Holy Spirit within me.
My Helper. My Comforter.

When will this end?
How will this end?
And what, if anything will You resurrect
From my dead desire?

Senseless

I was made
  with ears that hear
    and eyes that see,
But he does not speak to me.
He hides himself from my sight.

I was given a mouth
  that longs to taste his mouth;
A nose the sniffs the air
  seeking his musky, virile smell.
But he is nowhere to be found.

I was created with a body,
  with skin and nerves
    that wait for his touch
      to send waves of excitement through me!

He is absent.

My heart is so alone
  it's beats echo loudly,
    drowning out my sobs and wails.
So empty
  the slightest of breaths
    sends waves of pain throughout
      when they touch the raw exposed surfaces
Of my soul.

I wait upon my Redeemer
  to make right what is so wrong,
    to heal my heart
That He made,
  to fill my longing desire
He placed deep inside me;

To keep His promises

...Hope

Heartache

Heartache

 Hundreds of puzzle pieces You’ve given me.

I received each one with joy!

I pieced them together

Waiting excitedly, expectantly for the final piece to be inserted,

And find out I’ve been wrong.

The picture I thought I was putting together

Was different from the one You had on Your box.

You’ve left thousands of crumbs on the trail for me.

I’ve followed with anticipation

Of what waits at the end.

I came to the end of a trail today.

I followed the wrong trail

Fix my mistakes, dear God.

Help me find the right path.

“The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

   to the soul who seeks him.”

      -Lamentations 3:25

Digestion

Heartache.
Death of romance.
Like King David, at the death of his baby
   I wash my face, take a meal
      wanting to move forward,
         wanting to trust You!
I eat and drink in Your Word
   seeking comfort, sustenance,
      trying to "taste and see that the LORD is good".
It sits in my soul like rocks,
   heavy and unsatisfying;
      like a meal that just "sits there"
         leaving me full
            but still hungry.
But if I wait,
   it will break down
      ...eventually.
It will digest
   and my soul will absorb its nourishment.
      I will be sustained.