The images were amazing. I've had a number of ultrasounds before but never was I able to view things in this fine a detail. I saw my uterus, my one remaining ovary, and even a few eggs, which the technician said were "quite healthy looking".
Here I've got this vehicle that is inspected annually and certified to be in great working order yet it sits unused in the garage until next year's inspection. It seems like a waste and I can't think of any reason why God is allowing this to happen.
I can recall a number of biblical examples where someone was expected to do more than it seemed they were able (Moses vs Pharaoh, David vs Goliath, etc) but none where one was expected to do less.
There are many books and articles written for women who hear their "biological clocks ticking" but they're addressed to women who postponed motherhood for career. I didn't postpone anything; in fact it appears it hasn't even been postponed but denied.
Leading up to the exam, I actually hoped the doctor might find something wrong; this would have given me some reason for my single and barren state. Maybe I'd even have a fatal illness that would end all my emotional pain. While other women might be celebrating their confirmation of health, I'm confused and grieving the the children that never will be.
1 comment:
Barb,
There's much I want to say here, but I'm not sure it's all going to come out right. I can't pretend to understand what you feel, but I love you and so I feel a bit of your unrest with you. I don't understand God's plan for you either, but I don't feel that you are wasted goods. Yes, your physical "mommy parts" haven't been used, but you still have the heart of a mommy. And that is being put to use every day.
Is there a day that goes by in which you don't think about a kid that you interact with? I can't imagine what our church, neighborhood and family would be like without our Miss Barb.
You would make a good mommy- no doubt about that- but for some reason God wants you to be a Miss Barb instead. I wish you were married with a family, too. And, true be told, I pray that you'll be married some day. But I'm so very glad that you are our Miss Barb.
Post a Comment