Trashy Thoughts

Why is it my most profound thoughts come to me just as I start to fall asleep?  While I drift off to slumber these inspiring ideas drift off someplace else.  Maybe they travel to the place where socks lost in the dryer and teaspoons that disappear in the dishwasher go to nest.

Why is it my most provocative writing ideas come when all I have at hand are a leaky pen and a mere scrap of paper?  Either the words are too smeared to decipher later or the scraps wind up tossed in the trash.

Maybe it's because these ideas were not as profound as I thought.  Or maybe they were too profound; maybe they would cause me to be too proud.  Losing these thoughts is God's way of keeping me humble; reining in my ego and keeping my reliance on Him closely tethered.

Whatever His reasons, I trust that the words that do survive carry on for a reason; reasons to which I'm not always privy.  Maybe they'll encourage someone.  Maybe they'll make someone laugh (With me not AT me, please).  Maybe the reason is as simple as keeping my head from exploding from the buildup of too many ideas. 

Waiting for Christmas

Remember as a child, waiting for Christmas to come?  We were distracted and occupied by the excitement of Halloween, then the preparations for Thanksgiving.  But after the turkey was eaten and the leftovers wrapped and packed away, Christmas and all it's trappings were dead in our sights!

The days on the calendar were checked off.  As each block was counted down, the pile of gifts stacked  up proportionally.  Every day one more house on the block was bedecked in lights and garland.

The wait was excruciating.  Curiosity was painful; the anticipation was like an electric current running throughout our bodies, making us tense and excited.  Trying to complete schoolwork was next to impossible, distracted by the thoughts of what was in all those decorated boxes.  The closer Christmas came the worse it got with the anxiety and "what-ifs" and "what-if-nots" stampeding through our emotions.

I've been waiting for "Christmas" to come for a long time.  Earlier in my life, I was distracted by work and activities that kept my mind, body and emotions busy.  But they no longer work.  I'll be 52 in a few months, all the major "holidays" behind me.  The only one looming is "Christmas".  Only this "Christmas" doesn't have a specific date on the calendar on which I can pinpoint being able to open my gift.  There's no way to countdown.  Every day is painful, as I look for signs that "Christmas" is coming.  I don't know if it ever will come for me.

My pain is compounded by the fact most all of my friends have already had their celebrations.  Now their children are enjoying their holidays, as the parents look on sharing in their joy and remembering their  own "Christmas".  I'm still anxiously waiting, wondering if there is a gift for me or am I not supposed to ever celebrate my own "Christmas".  I've had a gift waiting for someone, wrapped and ready; but no one seems to want it.

Every moment I'm on edge - curious, wondering if and when...and why.  At this age, after so long a wait, it's mostly "why?".  My prayers usually consist of two words - my heart not able to voice anything else but "Why?" and "Please!"  I repeat them over and over again, almost like a mantra.  Only this mantra does not bring comfort or peace.

Is this how Jesus feels - the gift He has to offer so many don't notice or outright reject?  Is this what it means to share in His suffering?

To climb out of this vat of self-pity I need to remind myself of the first Christmas 2000 years ago, when the King of Kings lowered himself and volunteered for a messy human birth followed by a messy human life, ending with a humiliating death reserved for criminals, not innocent Kings.  I need to remind myself that though I do not know the date or time or even if "Christmas" will come, the King of Kings knows the plan He has for me.  His plan ends with a great celebration that surpasses any Christmas that we can plan on earth. 

I wait with electric anticipation.  

Remember Me - A Psalm and a Prayer

The sound of my heartbeats
   echo in my empty soul;
Their percussive waves
   shake my being like aftershocks;
A continual reminder of it's desolate state.

Their voice mocks me
"No one wants you."
"There is no one for you"
No one.

I cry out ot my God,"Help me.
Stop the noise,
Fill the void."

But no sound comes back.
My pleas are sucked in to the vacuum of space.
Heaven does not answer me.

So many around me are crying out the same prayer.
The same prayer I've prayed for myself, I've prayed for them.
You hear their prayers.  You hear my prayers for them.

You answer.
You remember them.

Remember me, now.

Please.

Thirty One Days of Joy - Days 1-7

A friend invited me to participate in a Facebook Event, "31 Days of Joy" where participants posted daily throughout the month of January different thoughts on joy.  God has been blessing me with a lot of insight on joy, a topic on which I am woefully inexperienced.  Allow me to share some of these thoughts with you here:

Day 1:  "For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere."  Ps 84:10a

Joy is not dependent on my physical circumstances but on the condition of my spirit.  As long as I am in the secure confines of His walled courts, I know my eternal soul is safe.  It is the condition of my eternal spirit that determines the eternal condition of my mind, body and heart.

Day 2:  Joy through tears.  Interesting concept that I began to understand when I listened to Page CXVI sing their version of "I've got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart..."  Normally a rousing chorus, they sing it as a dirge.  Joy is possible through tears when you define joy as Webster's 7th Collegiate Dictionary does - "the prospect of possessing what one desires".  Because of Jesus, believers have the prospect- the good outlook - the sure hope of receiving our hearts desire - eternity with Him.

Day 3:  "Joyful, joyful we adore Thee, God of glory, Lord of love"
Hearing this song does NOT bring me joy.  It just musically expresses what God, in His great mercy placed in my heart.  My heart unfolds "like flowers before Thee, opening to the sun above".

Day 4:  I read a Tweet by Paul Tripp - "When you work to convince yourself that you're okay, you tell yourself that you don't need the grace that is your only hope."  Knowing that the Graceful God, who is my only hope, is also very merciful when I try to tell myself I'm okay.

Day 5:  Joy immeasurable.  This idea brings to mind a picture of overflowing joy; a tsunami of joy!  But immeasurable things can be small, too.  So small they're almost imperceptible.  Sometimes joy is this small.  Sometimes it's so teeny, teeny, teeny tiny you'd need a microscope to see it.  BUT, it's still there.  Even in the darkest times I know there is some iota of joy deep within the recesses of my soul where Jesus still resides.

Day 6:  Having trouble finding joy today.  But because of God's word, I know it's there.  Today is one of those days where I have to allow mind over matter.  I have to believe what I read and know, and not how I feel.

Day 7:  Joy unspeakable.  "Though you do not now see him, you believe him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory..."  1Peter 1:8

How often I rely on that verse that says the Spirit is able to translate those deep painful groanings that I cannot put to words - usually when I'm not getting something I want.  In this verse, there's a joy so complex that I cannot wrap my finite brain around it - here I have something I do not understand.  But the Spirit again translates for me to God's glory.  And I'm able to move forward with quiet confidence.

 

Am I a Writer? I Am a Writer.

Just because I like to write, does that make me a writer?  Just because I can string together a few words and form a coherent sentence on a sheet of paper (or computer screen, as is the case), does that make me a writer?  Just because I maintain a blog, does that make me a writer?

I think of all the people who list their occupation as “Actor” who wait tables.  Am I writer who happens to work as a Purchasing Manager?

I write a lot.  I have computer files and folders of various writing projects.  As I’ve cleaned out some storage boxes and drawers lately, I keep finding paragraphs and essays I’ve written through the years with which I (still) cannot part.  But none of this, in my opinion, makes me a writer. 

Just because I’ve not submitted anything to a publication does not disqualify me from claiming the title “Writer”.  Just because I haven’t had anything published or sought an agent does not disqualify me from declaring myself a writer.  I deny myself the privilege of “Writer” status because I have not been open about my pieces.  I’ve been selective about what I’ve published on my blog and even more selective about revealing (via Twitter, Facebook, etc.) that I’ve even blogged; leaving the possibility of acquiring any sort of readership to a chance “Google” encounter.

Writers must be open and authentic in their craft.  Fiction writers must be honest about their characters if they want to persuade their readers to take interest in them.   Essayists must be willing to reveal a part of themselves if they want to compel their audiences to feel and understand their points.  Writers of Non-Fiction take the chance readers will mock their assertions; but they still have to reveal them.

Composing at a keyboard; writing in a journal; scratching out a phrase or sentence on a Post-it does not make one a writer.  Writers need an audience of more than one.  Writers must be willing to put “put themselves out there”.   Writers need to click the “Link to Twitter and Facebook” options on their Blogs and then hit “Send”.

Let’s see if I’m “write” about this.

The Battle Scarred Princess

There once was a princess on a journey to return to her home to be with her Father, the King.  All her brothers and sisters, princes and princesses in their own right were on the same journey, though they’d all been given different paths.  Their paths were fraught with danger and each had to fight many battles along the way but everyone was amply armed and provided for by their Father.  Their wise and wonderful King also made sure they gathered together one day each week for rest and renewal in each other’s company. 

This princess’ path, she travelled alone much of the time, with none of her brothers and sisters available for help.  It was frightening and very lonely but she tried to faithfully follow the path she’d been given. However, she tripped and fell many days.  Her path also forced her in to numerous battles where she sustained many bruises and hurts throughout the week.   By the time she met up with her family on their weekly R&R, she was weary and in great pain.  Her brothers and sisters were all happy to be together and shared stories of their adventures that week.  The princess listened and tried to rejoice with them and for them but she was so tired.  As her family danced and played around her, they often jostled and bumped in to her causing her great pain; bumping her bruises and opening wounds.  They did not intentionally hurt her, but It got so the princess could no longer leave her battle armor at the door, she had to wear it in to the place of sanctuary to keep from reinjuring herself.

The princess loved her family and deeply desired to be with them on these days of rest.  She attended them regularly because she knew it pleased and honored her beloved Father, and what she heard there helped her prepare for the battles in the coming week.  But these meetings were painful and carrying her armor seven days a week with no respite was exhausting her.  Her arms were weak having to hold up her shield and sword so much.  Her head hurt wearing the helmet every day.  And her feet were aching and weakening having to stand battle ready all the time, with little opportunity for rest.  As the day for the weekly family gatherings drew near, she would start to dread the meetings.  Her defenses would start to rise, her anxiety heightened, her resent at being alone to fend for herself grew.  The mornings of each  gathering day, she would prepare but anger and rage would build inside her because she was in such pain.  There was no escape from the suffering and she was afraid she would no longer be able to wield her armor for battle.  Then she’d be overcome by the enemy and would never get home to her Father. 

(I don’t know how to end this story.  I seek solutions but no one really has any.)

(Unedited) Writing Project #3

She ran in to Wal-Mart to pick up a printer cartridge, but as often happened, she found herself taking the circuitous route to the needed aisle, winding her way through the Baby department. Today she looked at car seats and swings and toys. Checking the labels for the ages, 0-3months, 3 -6 months, 6+months. She imagined what toys she would pick out for her baby – today it was a son she was imagining, so her fantasy purchases were either neutral or boy colors and characters – Winnie the Pooh, trucks, tractors.

Not too long ago, people watching her might think the purchases were for her own child, but now, 4 days shy of her 50th birthday, people would think they were for her grandchild. It was cottonwood season; the white fluffy things were all through the atmosphere, so if anyone caught her with teary eyes, she would make some offhand remark about allergies.

The emotional pain she felt took on a physical sensation, such that she found her hand unconsciously rising up to her heart. Anyone watching her might thing she was having a heart attack. What excuse would she make up to cover that?

Really, she was having a heart attack of sorts. Just not one that medicine could treat. Her heart was under emotional attack and she had no defense. There was no weapon she knew to wield against these assailants. She was a helpless victim.

She’d read articles about how many infertile women cried when their periods started because once again they were not pregnant. Every 28 days, she found herself anxiously looking for traces of her cycle’s beginning; evidence that she was still able to conceive, if any man would ever find her desirable enough for a relationship.

Afraid she’d run in to someone she knew, she found her way to the printer supplies and bought the required cartridge and proceeded to the checkout. By the time she left the store and got in her car, the tears had welled up. Fortunately, it was dark and so no one would see her crying. She wouldn’t have to use the allergy lie and could save it for another day.

(Unedited) Writing Project #2

Outside of her faith, there was nothing she could identify that was right. Not her job, not her home, not her finances. Certainly not her social life or relationships – she had none of either. She merely subsisted. Her goal each day was to survive until the next, but it was getting increasingly difficult to do so.

The times at home alone were the hardest. Despite her dissatisfaction with her job, at least it filled her time for 8 hours each day. But when alone, she faced the blank sheet of paper that was her life and filled it with scratches and scribbles of unorganized and unconnected thoughts. Like graffiti on a wall, her mind and heart were marred with anger and discontent and self-pity. She tried to distract herself with exercise, eating, reading and daydreams but after what seemed like most of her 50 years, these old coping mechanisms were no longer working. They were overwhelmed by the thoughts of sadness, regret and resentment. Like a tsunami of emotions, they tossed her about, one thought crashing into another, slamming her in to walls of memories and disappointments. She was drowning and no one about her seemed to notice or maybe they just had more important things with which to be concerned.

Those she loved and who loved her were involved in their own lives, with their own struggles. No one had the time to rescue her from the ocean of grief from which she was trying to escape. They were too busy trying to keep themselves and their families afloat until they found solid ground themselves. And there was her greatest fear – if she was drowning and their child or spouse were drowning who would they save? If she and their child or spouse were in a burning building, who would they save? Their loved one, obviously. And she was not the loved one – not to anyone she knew.

She’d had great parents. Sure they’d made mistakes, but all parents do. She’d always known they loved her and her sibling but they’d expended so much effort trying to parcel out there love to each of their children in equal portion that she never knew what it was like to be greatly and uniquely loved. Faced with all their children drowning at once and unable to save them all, her parents would probably let them all drown because they could not bear the unrescued ones thinking they’d been loved less.

But it was easy to focus on what was not going right - there were so many items from which to pick.  Her faith was right.  How could faith in Jesus be wrong?  It just wasn't very strong and she was afraid it wouldn't bear her weight much longer.  Somehow, she'd lose her grip and tumble into the dark abyss.

(Unedited) Writing Project #1

The room was a big square, walled with old-fashioned yellowed wallpaper that was peeling in spots. The tears in the wallpaper revealed even more old-fashioned Pepto-Bismol pink paint that was chipping and peeling even more. The only two windows were on the west wall which looked out on the more scenic side of the house at the tree-filled park across the street. Unfortunately, there was also a streetlight there also, which poured its light in to the house each night, necessitating window-blackening shades which blocked the only pretty thing about the room.

The floors were bare, unless you counted the gobs of dog hair that lined the baseboards. Last summer, she’d torn out the old maroon-colored wool carpeting. At one time it might have been fashionable, but 50 years of dust and UV rays had rendered it to dry-rotted shreds and threads. The floors underneath were pine wood, hardly durable enough to withstand her own minimal wear and tear, let alone that of two dogs dragging their paws over it. It was now quite scratched up. As luck would have it, at the side of the bed on which she raised each morning (and more than a few afternoons, when the naps of depression took over) there was a popped nail that she repeatedly stepped on and swore at. The nail had popped at such an angle that it was impossible to fully pound back in to the boards. She supposed she could buy a throw rug and place that over the nail, thus protecting the soles of her feet, but that would involve choosing a color and pattern and committing to some decorating style and she didn’t have that kind of energy in her.

The room seemed to mirror her own self – lonely, messy, beat-up, undecorated, worn …old. It had potential, but that potential needed someone with greater talent than she had to bring it about.