Profound Thoughts

What came first, spring (the season) or spring (the coiled wire)? I definitely have a spring in my step during the spring, which leads me to believe that the wire inspired the season.

Your thoughts????

I Heard a Voice from Heaven, Like the Sound of Many Waters

For as long as I can remember, I've loved the water. More specifically, I love the sound of water - rain on awnings, wild & wicked thunderstorms (complete with lightning), waves crashing on shorlines and...the rushing waters fo a creek running high, making it's path through the rocks and stones in it's way.

My mother and my paternal grandmother both loved the water, as well; so perhaps the attraction is genetic. I only know that the waters speak to some innermost part of me. Light spring showers make me smile. The gentle lapping of waves on a beach lull me to sleep. Loud, blowing thunderstorms excite me like roller coasters - fear mixed with pleasure.

There are many instances where the voice of God is described as sounding like water - whether it be soft or loud, gentle or angry. Maybe that's why I get a thrill when I hear the waters - there is a message in there somewhere.

And now for your viewing and listening pleasure, check out Four Mile Creek.

One of my Favorite Quotes

Earth laughs in flowers -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Out of the Mouth of Babes

While we were praying during last night's Bible Study, baby Previte was chatting and gurgling away. I thought that's how we must sound to God - as babes. And His reaction is the same as mine was - a smile :)

New Year's Resolution Update

Two months of 2007 are gone so I thought you might be interested in how I'm progressing with my New Year's Resolution. If you recall, I decided to declutter my brain and my home by ceasing the purchase of magazines.

I made it through January without buying a one, unless you count the TV Guide, which I don't (it's a guide not a magazine).

The first week of February I got sidetracked in the grocery store aisle by the latest edition of Better Homes and Gardens (not even one of my usual purchases). The cover featured three of my top favorite subjects - decorating, organizing, and eating. Plus, the cover photo was a very beautiful shade of pink. Then I was taken by a copy of Real Simple - which, by the way, is not real or simple. To live their version of the simple life, one must have a lot of money. Which requires a lot of working hours. Thereby necessitating the purchase of all the life-simplifying gadgets.

This past week, all the March issues of various periodicals were released and they all feature SPRING! RENEWAL! COLOR! LIGHT! They've caused me particular temptation because I've been especially feeling the effects of winter - the cold; the lack of light; the heavy, claustrophobic feelings from being bundled up in coat and boots. I broke down and bought a copy of Prevention and a a special edition of Prevention Eat Smart. I suspect I was prompted to purchase these because of the new hope that spring brings - flowers, greenery, renewal. Perhaps by practicing healthier habits I might feel a new energy and "aliveness".

So I haven't completely stuck to my resolution, BUT by my calculations, since January 1 I've forgone 4 issues of Women's Day, 4 issues of Family Circle, Women's World, Simple Scrapbooks, Cooking Light, Good Housekeeping, Do It Yourself, Family Handyman, and umpteen others. In addition to the money saved, that adds up to a lot of magazines that are not cluttering the floors of my home (because I hate to throw them out). And more importantly, that's a lot of information that is not cluttering my mind and making me feel less than adequate.

Life Can Turn on a Dime

My sister, Jean was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and yesterday was her first appointment with her oncologist. Being the good (or curious, nagging, insistent - fill in your own adjective) sister that I am, I accompanied her.

It began as most appointments do - in the waiting room filling out paperwork. Then we progressed to the scale (I politely looked away), then to the exam room where we waited (a short time) for the doctor. Nothing unusual, so far.

Admittedly, throughout, it was always in the back of my mind that this was not a typical appointment - this was with an oncologist for treatment of cancer. But the mechanics of the experience were that of a typical appointment.

It wasn't until we checked out that feelings of being overwhelmed took hold of me. At checkout, they scheduled her for her first chemo treatment (March 16) and then scheduled her for all the other appointments that accompany this - the Neulasta shot that is administered 24 hours after the chemo treatment (to fight infection), the MUGA scan (to check her heart pre-treatment), her 2nd, 3rd and 4th chemo treatment and Neulasta shots, follow up exam with the doctor, etc, etc. She came away with a sheet full of appointments.

I've known people who've had and been treated for cancer, but never anyone this close. And if I, being one person removed from the disease, am feeling overwhelmed by all the details I can't imagine what the patient - MY SISTER - feels.

Since her diagnosis 3 weeks ago, I've not felt anxious about the disease. But after yesterday's appointment I'm becoming concerned with all the details about the treatment - the number of appointments, how to accompany her to them all, how sick will she become. Then of course, one of my prime concerns, will I say something stupid and/or insensitive that will upset her.

The Responsible Thing To Do

I recently read where Scarlett Johansson, age 22, contributed the following health tip. She's said she's tested for HIV twice a year because "it's the responsible thing to do". Words fail me so I'll express myself with punctuation:

????????

!!!!!!!!!!!

????????

Any More Bright Ideas, Purina?

On a dog food web site (I think it was Purina) I saw an article about how to keep your dog(s) active during the winter. One game they suggested was tossing a snowball. The snowball falls apart or gets lost in the snow and keeps the dog interested and active.

After the foot of snow Erie received yesterday, today seemed like a good time to put this idea to the test. The first couple of tosses achieved the desired results...snowballs got lost, dogs inquisitively searched for them, etc. Then Dora actually caught one and it remained whole. She raced inside the house with her treasure and tried to bury it in the living room, at which point it fell apart all over the carpet.

I'd have taken pictures, but it melted too quickly.

A Baby Sister's Worst Nightmare

My oldest sister, Jean is an attorney who specializes in Workers' Compensation. However, as of February 12 she will become a Workers' Compensation JUDGE, for the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

For all my life she's wielded that (bossy) big-sister authority. Now she has a title to go along with it! I hope Workers' Comp judges aren't given gavels - she'll be insufferable!!

PS - Congratulations Judge Jeannie! I'm really happy for you!

Preparing for Marriage

There is a link on this blog to Solo Femininity, author Carolyn McCulley's website to encourage Christian single women (and any others who might be interested).

Since Jan 1, she's been focusing on preparation for marriage - marriage in different contexts, it seems.

In the inaugural post of 2007 she quotes Doug Wilson: "[T]he time a person spends when he is single should be time spent in preparation for marriage. This is important even if he never gets married. This is because biblical preparation for marriage is nothing more than learning to follow Jesus Christ and to love one’s neighbor. In other words, preparation for Christian marriage is basically the same as preparation for Christian living. Christians are to prepare for marriage by learning self-denial, subduing their pride, and putting their neighbor first.”

Although I understand and believe Wilson's (and McCulley's) position, it's because of this that I've pretty much avoided Solo Femininity since January 1. I've avoided it because it hurts too much to read.

Anyone that even remotely knows me knows I want to be married. But I don't spend time preparing for marriage because I don't want to prepare for it and then never have it happen. I feel like I'm setting myself up for more disappointment and I don't want to be disappointed anymore; it's too painful.

However, taking Doug Wilson's point in to account, how can I legitimately avoid it?

The scripture reading at church yesterday was from Ephesians...the "wives be subject to your husbands, husbands love your wives" verses. I've gotten in the habit of tuning these verses out because they stir up too much emotional turmoil within me and yesterday was no different. But I tuned back in too soon and thus caught the end of the passage "for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body".

The hardest part of singleness for me is the lack of intimacy in relationships; the lack of emotional closeness and affection. This makes life excruciatingly lonely. But here the Word is saying that I am a member of His body. One can't get any closer than that. So, why don't I feel this?

I think the answer lies in preparing for marriage, as Wilson states. I foresee a lot of agonizing in my future. Please pray for me as I try to face and work through the heartache.

New Year's Resolution 2007

Last year, my resolution was to make no resolutions. My rationale was I take things way too seriously and set my self up for failure before I even start.

This year, however, I've decided to make one resolution. One simple, but very difficult resolution. I've decided that for 2007 I will not purchase any magazines.

Since I had no resolutions in 2006 to keep my mind over-occuppied, I had some time to ponder my life. I realized that I'm addicted to magazines - news, celebrity, decorating, food, health - all magazines. I've come to understand that in addition to being expensive, they are clutter. They clutter not only my home; but more seriously, they clutter my mind, heart and spirit.

The information in them purports to offer the secrets to the perfect life, but they only leave me with great dissatisfaction and discontent.

As I can't make a trip through the grocery line without buying some publication or another, this is going to be a hard resolution to keep. But if I'm able to limit the inflow of articles, I believe I will find a bit of peace. I'm going to rely on a more reliable Publication to guide my path.

Tomorrow is Another Day

So says Scarlett O'Hara. And she's right.

In today's world, for both belivers and even non-believers, tomorrow is another day. There's always hope of something better tomorrow, or at least in the near future.

Today I was contemplating hell. Hell must be the absolute knowledge that the agony of today will be no different tomorrow, or the next day or for all the days of eternity.

Kind of puts my miserable day in perspective and makes me feel great sorrow for those who don't understand. But how do you make people understand the hopelessness they face when they're great hope for the future is to win the lottery?

Be Careful What You Pray For...

...you might get it.

How often I've made that comment - jokingly, I thought. But today I found myself trying to "take back" a prayer.

I went in to work today, my day off, to complete a couple of overdue tasks. In the midst of it all, I started to feel overwhelmed - by My sin, the sins OTHERS have committed against ME, and the sin that SURROUNDS me continually.

At that moment I had some insight as to how God must feel with all the sin we commit against HIM, the pain of our rejection. I blurted out "God, let me feel how You feel so that I might not sin against You."

Realizing the implications if God should answer this prayer, I tried to "take it back". I don't have the ability to withstand such agony. Besides, I don't know if that would stop me, anyway. And such knowledge would lead to tidal waves of guilt, for which I'm not prepared.

The Dark Side of Me

There is no doubt many of women's (and men's) mood swings can be atributed to hormonal shifts. And many a temper tantrum has been blamed on them, as well.

But I wonder, are they the cause, or are do the chemical imbalances just bring to light the evil that is already lurking inside of me?

Today has been such a day for me and the ugliness that surfaced frightens me. Is this something that will go away once my body readjusts itself, or is this just one more battle I need to fight?

I'm battle-weary enough, as it is. I don't want to have to fight on one more front.

As I was reading in Psalms today, I came upon this verse in Psalm 18 - "For by You I can run upon a troop; and by my God I can leap over a wall". But what am I supposed to do when I don't want to leap over any walls? What am I supposed to do when all I want to do is rest in peace?

Pancakes for Dinner

As a child, I remember being so excited when we had pancakes or other breakfast foods for dinner. It was a super-special treat. It wasn't until I was in my thirties that I realized the reason we had pancakes was because:

a) Mom and Dad hadn't had time to do grocery shopping

OR

b) there was more month than paycheck remaining.

Earlier this week, the dogs had Cornflakes and Swiss Cheese for dinner (I hadn't had time to get to the grocery store). They were just as excited as I used to be for the super-special treat!

IT'S MINE!

I was involved in a discussion where a woman complained that she didn't like when others said they knew how she felt, that they understood her pain. She didn't believe anyone could feel the extent of her suffering and that their comments trivialized her grief. It crossed my mind that she was viewing her pain and suffering as her own possession - almost a badge of distinction for her, it seemed.

Recently, a gentleman I know who had once been married used the term "we singles", including himself in with me and other unmarrieds. His comment got my Irish up. My German and Scotch, as well. How dare he! While he may be single now, he's not REALLY single He's not a never-married like me! Oops. Seems I view my never-married status as my own possession - almost a badge of distintion, perhaps??

But if I want to "draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that I may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need" (Heb 4:16), then I need to understand that "I do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with my weaknesses" (Heb 4:15). I need to give up my hold on my own personal grief. I can only draw so near with my hands full of the burdens of self-pity.

Tradition

Like Tevya, from "Fiddler on the Roof", I like tradition. But since the death of my mom twelve years ago, our family traditions have change dramatically. They would have changed anyway - everything does. People move out of town, weather or illness keep people at home, family situations change... But things were forced along more quickly than they would normally have occurred without mom. I mourn the loss of the Thanksgiving traditions of my youth. The new traditions don't measure up at all. And so I look forward to heaven, where new traditions will be established, and if they change it won't be cause for mourning, but for new dancing.

Lifestyle Budgeting

I love Friday nights. Friday nights are filled with the hope of all that I will accomplish over the next two days of freedom. I start to plan everything I will accomplish over the weekend. I wake early on Saturday mornings and start to check things off my list. It is then that I discover that I'm trying to fit 50 hours of activities in to 48 hours of time...not including sleep. Then I give up and take a nap.

This happens all the time in all areas of my life. My eyes are bigger than my stomach, my wants are bigger than my checkbook, and my plans are bigger than my calendar.

Why do I do this to myself?

I was recently reading an article about Martha and Mary (In case you didn't already guess, I'm a "Martha"). There were references to "Tyranny of the Urgent". Finally there were some questions at the end of the article, one of which asked "When was the last time you found yourself frantically busy? Could you have avoided the rush?"

Even after having thoughtfully read the article, I still answered that I could have avoided the rush if I were more organized. Apparently the ideas of wisdom and discernment in daily activities escaped me. I still don't choose what Mary chose - "the good part, which shall not be taken away from her".

As I consider my constant quest for order and organization, I've often felt it was some defect in my character that I've been unable to achieve this goal. At other times, I've felt it was God's curse for some past sin that I haven't been able to remember (and therefore repent of). Now, however, I'm thinking this may be God's blessing.

Just like He confused language during the building of the Tower of Babel, He's kept me from attaining order to the degree I'd like to keep me from believing I can achieve things apart from Him.

Funny thing, though, is that I never considered myself a goal-oriented personality. I thought that if I were, I'd be some high-powered, wealthy executive. This is a dangerous stereotype, I guess. Just because I don't look like what I think a goal-oriented person is, doesn't mean I'm not one. And even if the goals look like they are "Christian", they can actually be distracting me, taking me away from the One I aim to please.

Grace. What's With That?

Try as I might, I never really understand grace.

I know the definition and can parrot it off to anyone who wants to hear it. I've experienced grace first hand. But I don't understand it.

Rather than being thankful for the grace I'm given, I can't get past the guilt I suffer for having received it. Or the frustration I feel for being in the position of needing grace in the first place.

It seems to me that grace should make one free from feelings of guilt and frustration, but for me it only adds to my load.

However, at least I'm aware that I'm better off with grace than without it. But I'd still like to live a life free of guilt and frustration.

Shop Accidents

I was created with a brain for intelligence and reasoning, eyes to see, ears to hear; tongue, nose and neural pathways for taste, smell and touch. I was given a heart full of emotion with the Spirit to pull all these resources together and then some.

So why, even with all theses resources working at full capacity, am I still clueless? Why am I not able to accomplish more, understand more, be more? It’s as if I have a basement full of tools with no talent to repair or build anything. Though my plans are grand and my intentions are good, it seems all I do is have “shop accidents”.