New Year's Resolution 2007

Last year, my resolution was to make no resolutions. My rationale was I take things way too seriously and set my self up for failure before I even start.

This year, however, I've decided to make one resolution. One simple, but very difficult resolution. I've decided that for 2007 I will not purchase any magazines.

Since I had no resolutions in 2006 to keep my mind over-occuppied, I had some time to ponder my life. I realized that I'm addicted to magazines - news, celebrity, decorating, food, health - all magazines. I've come to understand that in addition to being expensive, they are clutter. They clutter not only my home; but more seriously, they clutter my mind, heart and spirit.

The information in them purports to offer the secrets to the perfect life, but they only leave me with great dissatisfaction and discontent.

As I can't make a trip through the grocery line without buying some publication or another, this is going to be a hard resolution to keep. But if I'm able to limit the inflow of articles, I believe I will find a bit of peace. I'm going to rely on a more reliable Publication to guide my path.

Tomorrow is Another Day

So says Scarlett O'Hara. And she's right.

In today's world, for both belivers and even non-believers, tomorrow is another day. There's always hope of something better tomorrow, or at least in the near future.

Today I was contemplating hell. Hell must be the absolute knowledge that the agony of today will be no different tomorrow, or the next day or for all the days of eternity.

Kind of puts my miserable day in perspective and makes me feel great sorrow for those who don't understand. But how do you make people understand the hopelessness they face when they're great hope for the future is to win the lottery?

Be Careful What You Pray For...

...you might get it.

How often I've made that comment - jokingly, I thought. But today I found myself trying to "take back" a prayer.

I went in to work today, my day off, to complete a couple of overdue tasks. In the midst of it all, I started to feel overwhelmed - by My sin, the sins OTHERS have committed against ME, and the sin that SURROUNDS me continually.

At that moment I had some insight as to how God must feel with all the sin we commit against HIM, the pain of our rejection. I blurted out "God, let me feel how You feel so that I might not sin against You."

Realizing the implications if God should answer this prayer, I tried to "take it back". I don't have the ability to withstand such agony. Besides, I don't know if that would stop me, anyway. And such knowledge would lead to tidal waves of guilt, for which I'm not prepared.

The Dark Side of Me

There is no doubt many of women's (and men's) mood swings can be atributed to hormonal shifts. And many a temper tantrum has been blamed on them, as well.

But I wonder, are they the cause, or are do the chemical imbalances just bring to light the evil that is already lurking inside of me?

Today has been such a day for me and the ugliness that surfaced frightens me. Is this something that will go away once my body readjusts itself, or is this just one more battle I need to fight?

I'm battle-weary enough, as it is. I don't want to have to fight on one more front.

As I was reading in Psalms today, I came upon this verse in Psalm 18 - "For by You I can run upon a troop; and by my God I can leap over a wall". But what am I supposed to do when I don't want to leap over any walls? What am I supposed to do when all I want to do is rest in peace?

Pancakes for Dinner

As a child, I remember being so excited when we had pancakes or other breakfast foods for dinner. It was a super-special treat. It wasn't until I was in my thirties that I realized the reason we had pancakes was because:

a) Mom and Dad hadn't had time to do grocery shopping

OR

b) there was more month than paycheck remaining.

Earlier this week, the dogs had Cornflakes and Swiss Cheese for dinner (I hadn't had time to get to the grocery store). They were just as excited as I used to be for the super-special treat!

IT'S MINE!

I was involved in a discussion where a woman complained that she didn't like when others said they knew how she felt, that they understood her pain. She didn't believe anyone could feel the extent of her suffering and that their comments trivialized her grief. It crossed my mind that she was viewing her pain and suffering as her own possession - almost a badge of distinction for her, it seemed.

Recently, a gentleman I know who had once been married used the term "we singles", including himself in with me and other unmarrieds. His comment got my Irish up. My German and Scotch, as well. How dare he! While he may be single now, he's not REALLY single He's not a never-married like me! Oops. Seems I view my never-married status as my own possession - almost a badge of distintion, perhaps??

But if I want to "draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that I may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need" (Heb 4:16), then I need to understand that "I do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with my weaknesses" (Heb 4:15). I need to give up my hold on my own personal grief. I can only draw so near with my hands full of the burdens of self-pity.

Tradition

Like Tevya, from "Fiddler on the Roof", I like tradition. But since the death of my mom twelve years ago, our family traditions have change dramatically. They would have changed anyway - everything does. People move out of town, weather or illness keep people at home, family situations change... But things were forced along more quickly than they would normally have occurred without mom. I mourn the loss of the Thanksgiving traditions of my youth. The new traditions don't measure up at all. And so I look forward to heaven, where new traditions will be established, and if they change it won't be cause for mourning, but for new dancing.

Lifestyle Budgeting

I love Friday nights. Friday nights are filled with the hope of all that I will accomplish over the next two days of freedom. I start to plan everything I will accomplish over the weekend. I wake early on Saturday mornings and start to check things off my list. It is then that I discover that I'm trying to fit 50 hours of activities in to 48 hours of time...not including sleep. Then I give up and take a nap.

This happens all the time in all areas of my life. My eyes are bigger than my stomach, my wants are bigger than my checkbook, and my plans are bigger than my calendar.

Why do I do this to myself?

I was recently reading an article about Martha and Mary (In case you didn't already guess, I'm a "Martha"). There were references to "Tyranny of the Urgent". Finally there were some questions at the end of the article, one of which asked "When was the last time you found yourself frantically busy? Could you have avoided the rush?"

Even after having thoughtfully read the article, I still answered that I could have avoided the rush if I were more organized. Apparently the ideas of wisdom and discernment in daily activities escaped me. I still don't choose what Mary chose - "the good part, which shall not be taken away from her".

As I consider my constant quest for order and organization, I've often felt it was some defect in my character that I've been unable to achieve this goal. At other times, I've felt it was God's curse for some past sin that I haven't been able to remember (and therefore repent of). Now, however, I'm thinking this may be God's blessing.

Just like He confused language during the building of the Tower of Babel, He's kept me from attaining order to the degree I'd like to keep me from believing I can achieve things apart from Him.

Funny thing, though, is that I never considered myself a goal-oriented personality. I thought that if I were, I'd be some high-powered, wealthy executive. This is a dangerous stereotype, I guess. Just because I don't look like what I think a goal-oriented person is, doesn't mean I'm not one. And even if the goals look like they are "Christian", they can actually be distracting me, taking me away from the One I aim to please.

Grace. What's With That?

Try as I might, I never really understand grace.

I know the definition and can parrot it off to anyone who wants to hear it. I've experienced grace first hand. But I don't understand it.

Rather than being thankful for the grace I'm given, I can't get past the guilt I suffer for having received it. Or the frustration I feel for being in the position of needing grace in the first place.

It seems to me that grace should make one free from feelings of guilt and frustration, but for me it only adds to my load.

However, at least I'm aware that I'm better off with grace than without it. But I'd still like to live a life free of guilt and frustration.

Shop Accidents

I was created with a brain for intelligence and reasoning, eyes to see, ears to hear; tongue, nose and neural pathways for taste, smell and touch. I was given a heart full of emotion with the Spirit to pull all these resources together and then some.

So why, even with all theses resources working at full capacity, am I still clueless? Why am I not able to accomplish more, understand more, be more? It’s as if I have a basement full of tools with no talent to repair or build anything. Though my plans are grand and my intentions are good, it seems all I do is have “shop accidents”.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

I turned my furnace on, yesterday.  Each year, I try to wait until November 1, but that doesn’t usually happen.  However, I think this year is the earliest it’s ever been turned on.

The deciding factor was when I woke up Saturday morning and the temperature in the house was 60 degrees.  Though tempted to turn the furnace on then, I held off thinking the house would warm up later in the day.  A few hours later, I checked the thermostat and found it was only 61 degrees.   The furnace was turned on minutes later.

Global warming???  Never in Erie!

An Attempt at Poetry

Here are my amateur thoughts on fall...

God empties His jewel box over the earth. The trees drip with precious stones...Rubies, amber, garnets and opals. He blesses us with the beauty of these gems.

Thoughts on Fall

Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree.”

-Emily Bronte

“Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all.”

-Stanley Horowitz

“The best is autumn. It is mature, reasonable and serious, it glows moderately and not frivolously…it cools down, clears up, makes you reasonable.”

-Valentin

“Autumn is a second spring, where every leaf is a flower.”

-Albert Camus

It Warms a Miss Barb's Heart

My Barblings three made their Profession of Faith at church today and I was overtaken with emotion. All these years I've watched them watch me take communion. Now it was their turn to watch me watch them.

Barbling #3 was almost giddy with excitement. From the beginning of the Worship Service, Barbling #2 clutched her bulletin, with her finger on the spot where it announced the Profession of Faith - she was alert and prepared. Barbling #1 was pretty somber -partially because she wasn't feeling well, I found out later; but I'm sure the solemnity of the occasion struck her, as well.

I don't think the verse "Do this in remembrance of Me" ever had such an impact on me before. All the times I did so in remembrance of Him, their eyes were on me, watching my example. All at once I felt very frightened, thinking of all my missteps they've witnessed and the poor example I've been. But I was also proud and felt I had some part in them coming to this moment in their spiritual lives. I taught each one in Sunday School at some point. I've spent countless hours with them playing, chatting, praying, worshiping, and sometimes disciplining them. I know I'm not their parent, but I am their Miss Barb, and that counts for something, doesn't it?

A Change of Plans

I took a week's vacation from work this past week, and oh the plans I had. There were a few home repairs to do, yard work, reading, cleaning, cooking, etc. I was going to be a homemaker/lady of leisure.

Knowing the packed week I had planned, I decided to do absolutely nothing on Saturday. That was pretty much the only thing on my list that I accomplished.

On Sunday, the first day of Sunday school, I woke up with a horribly painful sore throat and so I called my substitute teacher (the gracious and kind Denise Fair) and proceeded to sleep the rest of Sunday away.

Monday, I was feeling slightly better, but my dog, Grace was feeling a bit peeked, so I took her in to the vet. She'd not been interested in her food for a few days, hung back on our walks, and was showing reluctance at taking the steps and getting up on the bed. The vet suspected arthritis, but because her symptoms were vague, she performed a battery of tests to rule out some other, more serious possibilities. Grace does have arthritis in her hips and is on medication. The bill was $329.00.

After that experience, I had to go in to work for a bit because a few staff members were off for surgery and/or illness and the department is still shorthanded due to a couple of open positions.

Tuesday, I stopped at the ATM for some cash before I went grocery shopping. I discovered the bank showed me at negative balance. This was due to the fact that on Monday, the vet input my Debit Card transaction as $392.00. The error was caught and immediately corrected and reentered, but the bank takes a few days to issue credits. The debits are pretty much instantaneous. This necessitated a trip in to the bank office to explain the issue and get it corrected.

Wednesday, I had a quiz in my Accounting class. The quiz wasn't all that difficult and I'd studied, but I breezed through it too quickly and misread a couple of questions so I only got a B- instead of the A I would have liked.

The rest of my vacation week was pretty much the same. BUT, lest you think this is a "Woe is Me" kind of post, think again!

Though not as I'd planned, it wasn't a loss; total, partial or anything in between. God just had other plans.

Grace only has arthritis and not something more serious. The bank quickly fixed the error, and even if they had not, I have sufficient reserve funds. I learned that I need to slow down while taking my quizzes. And finally, I got the rest I was so longing for. I approach my return to work tomorrow without dread, but with renewed energy, which was the purpose for my vacation, in the first place. God just had a different path to the same end. I'm just encouraged that I had the same goal as God, and that I wasn't discouraged by His change in my plans. Life is a lot easier when I'm on the same page as He is!

Advantages of Higher Education

In addition to the usual things, like learning stuff, I discovered a great advantage to being a college student. In efforts to keep their students honest, Penn State gives us Napster accounts where we can download select pieces free and legally. The "select" pieces number in the thousands! I just spent the last hour downloading an eclectic mix of tracks including Chris Rice, Out of The Grey, Dave Brubeck, Herbie Hancock, Goo Goo Dolls, and TransSiberian Orchestra.

The tuition is almost worth it.

And yes, I checked...and there was even some Andrew Peterson.

A Little Known Fact

Did you know that when a dog regurgitates the raw eggs it's eaten, the result is scrambled eggs? I suspect that the dog's body heat cooks the eggs.

Things I Like About Lawrence Park

In no particular order...

Short commute to work

Great place to walk dogs

Trees

Dairy Queen within walking distance

Library within walking distance

Four Mile Creek across the street from my house

Listening to the creek during still, quiet summer months

Neighbors who help me chase after a runaway dog

Variety of birds in the trees

Within walking distance of the Gardners

Gotta love a place that has a Fourth of July Parade and Fireworks

Wednesday evening concerts in the Gazebo during the summer

Taking the dogs to Iroquois High School football games (where Grace performs her community service by eating the chewing gum off the parking lots and sidewalks)

Listening to the High School Band practice

The sight, sound and smell of fall leaves

The sweet smell of everyone's lilac bushes in bloom in early June

Neighbors who snowplow my sidewalk while I sleep in

There are plenty more reasons, but these are the ones that came to mind while I was walking the dogs this evening.

Let the Truth Be Told

My father had open-heart surgery on Monday, August 21. When I saw him in the Surgical ICU, he was still on a ventilator so he was unable to communicate verbally. My siblings and I would ask him a series of yes/no questions until we hit upon the right one - "Are you in pain?", "Do you need suctioned?" and so forth.

At one time, when I was alone with him (and unfortunately, had no witnesses), he tried to tell me something. I went through the series of questions...Pain? (he shook his head no), Suction (he shook his head no), Oral Swab (he shook his head no), An Itch (he shook his head no), Am I your favorite child? - HE NODDED YES! I always knew it!

Lest you think this was a hallucination of a heavily anesthetized man, I remind you that they don't call it "truth serum" for nothing.

Artificial Intelligence

I've been amazed (and a bit frightened) at how perceptive Spell Check can be. Often, when I have spell check peruse a document, it suggests some amazingly accurate choices for what it sees as my misspellings. Some recent examples: Adiel = addle (she is the mother of two toddlers)

Adiel = waddle (pregnant, it won't be long before she does waddle)

Brenda's = brandish (No shrinking violet, she! Fortunately, what she often 'brandishes' is loving exhoration)

Barblings = purpling (anyone that's had children crawl all over them as if they were a giant toy will understand the purple bruising that occurs)

Dora = Dork (enough said)

Leon = lean (good for a Pastor)

Livie (Barbling #3) = live (she’s definitely a live wire)

Malachi=water thrower(I just made that one up. What really was suggested was malice. As the recipient of his water bombs on THREE occasions, I wonder if some malice wasn't involved).

Atticus= attaches (he attaches his paws to the chest of the first one through the door)