Grace. What's With That?

Try as I might, I never really understand grace.

I know the definition and can parrot it off to anyone who wants to hear it. I've experienced grace first hand. But I don't understand it.

Rather than being thankful for the grace I'm given, I can't get past the guilt I suffer for having received it. Or the frustration I feel for being in the position of needing grace in the first place.

It seems to me that grace should make one free from feelings of guilt and frustration, but for me it only adds to my load.

However, at least I'm aware that I'm better off with grace than without it. But I'd still like to live a life free of guilt and frustration.

Shop Accidents

I was created with a brain for intelligence and reasoning, eyes to see, ears to hear; tongue, nose and neural pathways for taste, smell and touch. I was given a heart full of emotion with the Spirit to pull all these resources together and then some.

So why, even with all theses resources working at full capacity, am I still clueless? Why am I not able to accomplish more, understand more, be more? It’s as if I have a basement full of tools with no talent to repair or build anything. Though my plans are grand and my intentions are good, it seems all I do is have “shop accidents”.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

I turned my furnace on, yesterday.  Each year, I try to wait until November 1, but that doesn’t usually happen.  However, I think this year is the earliest it’s ever been turned on.

The deciding factor was when I woke up Saturday morning and the temperature in the house was 60 degrees.  Though tempted to turn the furnace on then, I held off thinking the house would warm up later in the day.  A few hours later, I checked the thermostat and found it was only 61 degrees.   The furnace was turned on minutes later.

Global warming???  Never in Erie!

An Attempt at Poetry

Here are my amateur thoughts on fall...

God empties His jewel box over the earth. The trees drip with precious stones...Rubies, amber, garnets and opals. He blesses us with the beauty of these gems.

Thoughts on Fall

Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree.”

-Emily Bronte

“Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all.”

-Stanley Horowitz

“The best is autumn. It is mature, reasonable and serious, it glows moderately and not frivolously…it cools down, clears up, makes you reasonable.”

-Valentin

“Autumn is a second spring, where every leaf is a flower.”

-Albert Camus

It Warms a Miss Barb's Heart

My Barblings three made their Profession of Faith at church today and I was overtaken with emotion. All these years I've watched them watch me take communion. Now it was their turn to watch me watch them.

Barbling #3 was almost giddy with excitement. From the beginning of the Worship Service, Barbling #2 clutched her bulletin, with her finger on the spot where it announced the Profession of Faith - she was alert and prepared. Barbling #1 was pretty somber -partially because she wasn't feeling well, I found out later; but I'm sure the solemnity of the occasion struck her, as well.

I don't think the verse "Do this in remembrance of Me" ever had such an impact on me before. All the times I did so in remembrance of Him, their eyes were on me, watching my example. All at once I felt very frightened, thinking of all my missteps they've witnessed and the poor example I've been. But I was also proud and felt I had some part in them coming to this moment in their spiritual lives. I taught each one in Sunday School at some point. I've spent countless hours with them playing, chatting, praying, worshiping, and sometimes disciplining them. I know I'm not their parent, but I am their Miss Barb, and that counts for something, doesn't it?

A Change of Plans

I took a week's vacation from work this past week, and oh the plans I had. There were a few home repairs to do, yard work, reading, cleaning, cooking, etc. I was going to be a homemaker/lady of leisure.

Knowing the packed week I had planned, I decided to do absolutely nothing on Saturday. That was pretty much the only thing on my list that I accomplished.

On Sunday, the first day of Sunday school, I woke up with a horribly painful sore throat and so I called my substitute teacher (the gracious and kind Denise Fair) and proceeded to sleep the rest of Sunday away.

Monday, I was feeling slightly better, but my dog, Grace was feeling a bit peeked, so I took her in to the vet. She'd not been interested in her food for a few days, hung back on our walks, and was showing reluctance at taking the steps and getting up on the bed. The vet suspected arthritis, but because her symptoms were vague, she performed a battery of tests to rule out some other, more serious possibilities. Grace does have arthritis in her hips and is on medication. The bill was $329.00.

After that experience, I had to go in to work for a bit because a few staff members were off for surgery and/or illness and the department is still shorthanded due to a couple of open positions.

Tuesday, I stopped at the ATM for some cash before I went grocery shopping. I discovered the bank showed me at negative balance. This was due to the fact that on Monday, the vet input my Debit Card transaction as $392.00. The error was caught and immediately corrected and reentered, but the bank takes a few days to issue credits. The debits are pretty much instantaneous. This necessitated a trip in to the bank office to explain the issue and get it corrected.

Wednesday, I had a quiz in my Accounting class. The quiz wasn't all that difficult and I'd studied, but I breezed through it too quickly and misread a couple of questions so I only got a B- instead of the A I would have liked.

The rest of my vacation week was pretty much the same. BUT, lest you think this is a "Woe is Me" kind of post, think again!

Though not as I'd planned, it wasn't a loss; total, partial or anything in between. God just had other plans.

Grace only has arthritis and not something more serious. The bank quickly fixed the error, and even if they had not, I have sufficient reserve funds. I learned that I need to slow down while taking my quizzes. And finally, I got the rest I was so longing for. I approach my return to work tomorrow without dread, but with renewed energy, which was the purpose for my vacation, in the first place. God just had a different path to the same end. I'm just encouraged that I had the same goal as God, and that I wasn't discouraged by His change in my plans. Life is a lot easier when I'm on the same page as He is!

Advantages of Higher Education

In addition to the usual things, like learning stuff, I discovered a great advantage to being a college student. In efforts to keep their students honest, Penn State gives us Napster accounts where we can download select pieces free and legally. The "select" pieces number in the thousands! I just spent the last hour downloading an eclectic mix of tracks including Chris Rice, Out of The Grey, Dave Brubeck, Herbie Hancock, Goo Goo Dolls, and TransSiberian Orchestra.

The tuition is almost worth it.

And yes, I checked...and there was even some Andrew Peterson.

A Little Known Fact

Did you know that when a dog regurgitates the raw eggs it's eaten, the result is scrambled eggs? I suspect that the dog's body heat cooks the eggs.

Things I Like About Lawrence Park

In no particular order...

Short commute to work

Great place to walk dogs

Trees

Dairy Queen within walking distance

Library within walking distance

Four Mile Creek across the street from my house

Listening to the creek during still, quiet summer months

Neighbors who help me chase after a runaway dog

Variety of birds in the trees

Within walking distance of the Gardners

Gotta love a place that has a Fourth of July Parade and Fireworks

Wednesday evening concerts in the Gazebo during the summer

Taking the dogs to Iroquois High School football games (where Grace performs her community service by eating the chewing gum off the parking lots and sidewalks)

Listening to the High School Band practice

The sight, sound and smell of fall leaves

The sweet smell of everyone's lilac bushes in bloom in early June

Neighbors who snowplow my sidewalk while I sleep in

There are plenty more reasons, but these are the ones that came to mind while I was walking the dogs this evening.

Let the Truth Be Told

My father had open-heart surgery on Monday, August 21. When I saw him in the Surgical ICU, he was still on a ventilator so he was unable to communicate verbally. My siblings and I would ask him a series of yes/no questions until we hit upon the right one - "Are you in pain?", "Do you need suctioned?" and so forth.

At one time, when I was alone with him (and unfortunately, had no witnesses), he tried to tell me something. I went through the series of questions...Pain? (he shook his head no), Suction (he shook his head no), Oral Swab (he shook his head no), An Itch (he shook his head no), Am I your favorite child? - HE NODDED YES! I always knew it!

Lest you think this was a hallucination of a heavily anesthetized man, I remind you that they don't call it "truth serum" for nothing.

Artificial Intelligence

I've been amazed (and a bit frightened) at how perceptive Spell Check can be. Often, when I have spell check peruse a document, it suggests some amazingly accurate choices for what it sees as my misspellings. Some recent examples: Adiel = addle (she is the mother of two toddlers)

Adiel = waddle (pregnant, it won't be long before she does waddle)

Brenda's = brandish (No shrinking violet, she! Fortunately, what she often 'brandishes' is loving exhoration)

Barblings = purpling (anyone that's had children crawl all over them as if they were a giant toy will understand the purple bruising that occurs)

Dora = Dork (enough said)

Leon = lean (good for a Pastor)

Livie (Barbling #3) = live (she’s definitely a live wire)

Malachi=water thrower(I just made that one up. What really was suggested was malice. As the recipient of his water bombs on THREE occasions, I wonder if some malice wasn't involved).

Atticus= attaches (he attaches his paws to the chest of the first one through the door)

A Savvy Quote

"I had rather be shut up in a very modest cottage with my books, my family, and a few old friends, dining on simple bacon, and letting the world roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most splendid post, which any human power can give."

-Thomas Jefferson, letter of February 1788

Out of the Mouth of Barblings

At church last Sunday, Barbling #2 whispered to me, "You got new shoes. I could tell because I sniffed them."

They were on my feet at the time.

One Good Thing, Two Days Early

After a busy nine hour day at work, I went grocery shopping. I needed a few things for myself and also one of the greatest necessities of my household, dog food. After navigating the crowded grocery store checkout lines, I entered my home, hands filled with grocery bags, and maneuvered around anxious dogs who smelled the lunch meat in the bags. After putting the lunch meat in the protective custody of the refrigerator, I opened the back door to let the dogs out in the yard. It was then I noticed I'd only counted two dogs walk past me and (for this week only) I have three. Atticus Otulakowski was missing.

At first, I thought he'd gotten to the yard unnoticed, but after a few brief yells "Aaatttiiicccuuusss" and some brief glances about the yard, I determined he was not there and went searching throughout the house. I remembered I'd been in the basement this morning and Atticus had followed me. I quickly ran to the basement door fearful he'd been shut in all day and possibly gotten himself in to some dangerous basement-type things. I flung open the door calling "Aaatttiiicccuuusss" but there was no dog to greet me.

I ran downstairs worried I might see his dead body, poisoned by some unknown cleaning agent. No Atticus.

I ran up the basement steps yelling "Aaatttiiicccuuusss" but there was no answer.

I ran up the steps to the second floor yelling "Aaatttiiicccuuusss", expecting to find him collapsed on my bedroom floor from heat exhaustion, when I heard my next door neighbor call in the front screen door, "Barb, are you missing a dog". There was Atticus, running towards Napier Park and Four Mile Creek. And I ran after him.

Thanks to WeatherChannel.com I can tell you that at 6:30 pm it was 91 degrees in Erie, PA with relative humidity at 52%. Therefore, it felt like it was 98 degrees (what a wonderful name for a deodorant). However, meteorologists fail to factor in to their calculations the effect of panty hose on the temperature. After today's experience ( I was still in my work clothes), I feel confident stockings add an additional 10 degrees to their formula.

As I hit that wall of heat, I was amazed at how quickly I'd gone from being fearful of finding his dying body to wanting to find his dying body and wring the last bits of smelly dog breath from him!

Two of my neighbors, whose individual ages are almost equal to the temperature in degrees (Fahrenheit, not Celsius) braved the Hades-like heat to help me find him. We all ran, then walked, the creeped up and down Napier Avenue (and parts of Iroquois Ave) calling "Aaatttiiicccuuusss". One gentleman even gave me a handful of canned dog food to try to attract the dog.

For forty five minutes I roamed Lawrence Park with a handful of mystery meat, my pores absorbing the odor. After awhile, my sweat started to smell like Alpo. At about the time I was ready to go back and get in my air conditioned car and search further, "Aaatttiiicccuuusss" came right up to me, exhausted, panting and slobbering (on me) heavily. I tried to feed him the Perspiration-Poached Alpo, but he spit it out on the street.

One Good Thing - Atticus goes home on Friday.

My God is So Big

Years ago, during an exercise in a Women's Support Group (secular-based), we were asked to choose a picture from a magazine and describe why we chose it. I chose a picture of a mountain range where you could see how small the people were in relation to the mountains. I said I chose it because I liked how it reminded me how small I am; not the thing to say with therapists in the room! They felt that was an indication of my poor self-worth.

I like feeling small. At 5'11" , I'm usually the tallest woman in the room. In fact, I'm often the tallest one, period. When I weighed substantially more than I do now, I was the largest person in the room. Throughout elementary school, when we had to line up according to height, I was at the end of the line with only Joe Angelo behind me - eight years of the back of the line! So feeling small is a novelty for me.

Feeling small reminds me there is someone bigger than me (no matter what my size) and I'm in His care. Sometimes, during particularly intimate times of prayer, I can feel the physical presence of God surrounding me. And He is HUGE, able to squash me like a bug, if He so wanted. I feel very small at these times...tiny, even; but not weak or inconsequential. In fact, I feel the opposite...protected and cared for. Like a child in the protection of her Daddy's arms. Like one in a lover's embrace. Not a bothersome fly to be swatted.

My self-worth is founded in feeling small, "for when I am weak, then I am strong".

Report from the Front: Resolution Revolution

You might remember that in January of this year I declared a war on New Year's Resolutions. It's been seven months since my uprising and I'm happy to report that I still have not made any resolutions. And as I evaluate these last seven months, I realize I've accomplished as much as I would have if I'd made resolutions in the first place!

Let's see...my house is no cleaner than it was before, but it's relatively clean, and in fact my bed has been made about 70% of the time. But dust bunnies and dog hair still prevail. I've lost and gained the same 5-10 pounds, and eaten more fruits and vegetables than I had previously, but still way short of the 5-a-day recommendation (I think I average 1, and that's counting the ketchup for my fries and the sauce on my pizza). You can walk through my spare bedroom without slipping on papers and tripping on books, but that's because they're stuffed under the bed and work table (to be honest, this is an improvement). My desk is a mess, but there are no dirty dishes on it and crumbs in the keyboard are kept to a minimum. All totaled, things are normal in the Best household.

The only casualty in this revolution has been the guilt I would normally feel by not having accomplished as much as I thought I should. But as I mentioned in January, what's really important - what really counts are relationships.

I've played tennis with a friend (more like shagging balls for 30 minutes but we had fun), went to the Medieval Faire in the rain with another (and got a henna tattoo). I've gone to Gardner Parties where I've been getting to know a few people from church better than I would in just the brief conversations following Sunday worship service. At school, I made a few friends in my classes - in fact a 19 year old girl said she thought I was "cool"! I reestablished a relationship with a college friend with whom I'd lost contact. Another "casual" friend and I had a meaningful conversation that I found encouraging - I look forward to more. I've made a few new friends through this blog. Finally, and most importantly, God has been revealing more of Himself to me, deepening and cementing our relationship. This has been occurring through many instances - some standard means like Bible Study and worship service; some through trials; and a lot through the relationships mentioned prior.

Who says war has to be hell?

One Good Thing

At my first dining experience at Chez Ben-Ezra a few years ago, I was introduced to the "One Good Thing" tradition, whereby each person has to share something good that happened that day. Being polite hosts, at the first dinner I was allowed to go last so I had time to think of something.

The tradition continues at our Gardner Parties. As being forewarned is forearmed, I came to our first party prepared with something to share. I knew they were a tough crowd and wouldn't give me a "bye", especially since I had prior knowledge of the custom!

Some of the "good things" I've shared have been very simple (I got a prime parking spot) or just pleasant (I met a former co-worker for lunch and reestablished the relationship).

Our dinners are only held every other Monday, but lately I've found myself thinking of a "good thing" on some of the other 13 days. It's a good habit to develop.

And so, here's Thursday's good thing...and since I'm not allowed to save it up until our next dinner and it's too nice a thing not to share, I figure I'll share it with you.

Today, I had a very nice conversation with a friend of mine. Although we've been friends for many years, this conversation had a depth that we've never attained before. I feel very blessed for being given that time and for the advice that was given to me.

I Went to a Gardner Party

No butchering of Rick(y) Nelson lyrics this time. My attempts at being Weird Al Yankovic are on hold for awhile. It's too mentally taxing!

Last night was our Gardner Party. I found myself anticipating this gathering the last few days. At our first couple of dinners, we've celebrated birthdays and an engagement. The food has ranged from Mexican, Italian, and American grilled, and always desert. The guests are a range of personalities and ages - 1 in his 50's; 1 in her 40's; I think the 30's have been missed but a couple of those in their 20's are closing in; 6 in their 20's, 1 still a teen (19 is still teenager); 3 in single digits; and even one in utero.

But during last night's dinner, I was struck that what I like best about our gatherings is the tradition we've already established. At each dinner, we share our "one good thing", Josh reads scripture, we all sing from the Psalter.

Some might find this boring and stagnant, but I find this gives our assemblies structure and direction so they flow nicely. I find these gatherings comforting, like riding an innertube down a river. The current varies, the scenery can change, but everything is within the confines of the riverbanks. And I've enjoyed going along for the ride with my friends.

Titles

In my last post, I mentioned I often refer to Jim as "my best friend's husband" when in fact, he is my friend as well. Another dilemma I've faced in posts has been how to refer to Jim and Brenda's children. I find it necessary to give them some sort of title so those of you not familiar with our relationship will understand.
The girls aren't my nieces. While they too are my "friends" that can be confusing when referring to their parents in the same posts. I find "little friends" and "young friends" banal; our relationship is anything but commonplace. I want something short so I don't have to waste a lot of blog space explaining who they are. Therefore, I've created a new title I find befits our unique and beloved friendship. I dub thee Jennifer, Rebekah and Olivia (drum roll....) - Miss Barblings.Comments, anyone?