Qavah

Wait expectantly?

I’ve been waiting

On pins and needles

For decades.

How many years

Did Sarah wait?

How many times

Did Hannah plead her case?

I’ve been waiting.

On pins and needles.

For decades.

The pins feel sharper now. 

The needles pierce my heart

To the point of shedding blood.

But you already know about that,

Don’t you?

Being pierced,

Shedding blood.

So, I’ll wait some more

On painful pins and needles.

On You will I wait

For You to keep Your promise.

Tension #1

I saw a picture of you today.
You wore a big smile and you looked genuinely happy.
And I was happy you were happy
(though a part of me wished you were unhappy and missing me).

That I was happy you are happy
just confirmed what I always knew;
that what I felt for you,
what I still feel for you
is,
was,
always will be
love.

True love.

And my hearts breaks all over again.

Definitions

Dedicated to my Pastor, Rev. H Leon Ben-Ezra on the occasion of his retirement

def·i·ni·tions

You taught us what those church words meant

Always pointing to the One He sent.

“Believe the gospel. First repent.”

You taught us definitions.

Through many sermons some of us wept

And I confess through some I slept

But even so, I did not forget

All those definitions.

Hope – waiting on God His promises to keep.

Joy is optimism

Glory – His beauty that runs so deep.

You taught us definitions.

“It always begins with prayer!”

You showed us to not despair

For when your life was not so fair

You lived those definitions.

And now it’s off to Illinois you go;

To Peoria and Chicago

But as you leave always know

You’ve left us with true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, praiseworthy

Definitions.

The Perfect Storm

I struggled against the fierce storm,
   battling strong winds
      which blew me off course.

                           The heat of passion

                       met the coolness of rejection
                    ran in to the drench of tears
                 to form the perfect storm;
              a confluence of sadness and despair
         which threatened to overpower me
      and drag me away to the dark place.
  But lightning struck
and lit my path

   revealing where I was,

      where I was heading,

          and the path back

            To Your refuge.

         "Undone"+Sword+sovereignty.

      Sin+repentance+eternity
   met to form
another perfect storm
   where grace rained down
        and drenched me in redemption.

A Seed's Prayer

Many seeds were sown,
     watered,
          germinated,
Grew in to beautiful plants and bushes and flowers,
     fertilized,
          dropped new seeds.
New plants and bushes and flowers sprang forth,
     growing,
          reaching to the sun.
I'm still in the ground,
     waiting;
Waiting to germinate,
     to grow,
          to be picked,
               chosen.
Every year
     more dirt thrown on top of me;
          deeper in to the ground I sink.
Overlooked?
     Not noticed?
          Forgotten?
It's cold and dark.
     Am I slow to germinate,
          or am I dead?
Just be over with it already,
     and bury me
          six feet under.
   

The Circle of (a Lonely) Life

If midnight is the Witching Hour,
3:00 AM is the Lonely Hour.
I'm wakened by echoes
Bouncing off the cavernous walls
Of my empty heart
Because of the empty place next to me.


No sheep appear
For me to count.
Even they have the good sense
To be sleeping at this hour,
Huddled together.


I only have the minutes to count
Until dawn breaks
When loneliness is replaced
By busyness
Until the next sunset
When the cycle begins again.

Insomnia

Late at night,
Or very early morning
Nascent thoughts
Evoke
Longing.
Yet will I trust Him.

Crucified

My heart is torn to pieces.
My desire ripped from me;
My desire, not Yours.

If this were a medical procedure
There'd be anesthesia
And plenty of meds afterwards.

But this is not surgery,
No doctor wielding a scalpel.
This is a crucifixion.

My desire is being crucified,
But unlike Jesus, because of Jesus
God has not forsaken me.

God has not forsaken me!
He is with me; the Holy Spirit within me.
My Helper. My Comforter.

When will this end?
How will this end?
And what, if anything will You resurrect
From my dead desire?

Senseless

I was made
  with ears that hear
    and eyes that see,
But he does not speak to me.
He hides himself from my sight.

I was given a mouth
  that longs to taste his mouth;
A nose the sniffs the air
  seeking his musky, virile smell.
But he is nowhere to be found.

I was created with a body,
  with skin and nerves
    that wait for his touch
      to send waves of excitement through me!

He is absent.

My heart is so alone
  it's beats echo loudly,
    drowning out my sobs and wails.
So empty
  the slightest of breaths
    sends waves of pain throughout
      when they touch the raw exposed surfaces
Of my soul.

I wait upon my Redeemer
  to make right what is so wrong,
    to heal my heart
That He made,
  to fill my longing desire
He placed deep inside me;

To keep His promises

...Hope

Heartache

Heartache

 Hundreds of puzzle pieces You’ve given me.

I received each one with joy!

I pieced them together

Waiting excitedly, expectantly for the final piece to be inserted,

And find out I’ve been wrong.

The picture I thought I was putting together

Was different from the one You had on Your box.

You’ve left thousands of crumbs on the trail for me.

I’ve followed with anticipation

Of what waits at the end.

I came to the end of a trail today.

I followed the wrong trail

Fix my mistakes, dear God.

Help me find the right path.

“The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

   to the soul who seeks him.”

      -Lamentations 3:25

Digestion

Heartache.
Death of romance.
Like King David, at the death of his baby
   I wash my face, take a meal
      wanting to move forward,
         wanting to trust You!
I eat and drink in Your Word
   seeking comfort, sustenance,
      trying to "taste and see that the LORD is good".
It sits in my soul like rocks,
   heavy and unsatisfying;
      like a meal that just "sits there"
         leaving me full
            but still hungry.
But if I wait,
   it will break down
      ...eventually.
It will digest
   and my soul will absorb its nourishment.
      I will be sustained.



Hands, Touching Hands

My friends
Reach out to me
In kindness
And with love.
All I see
Are their hands;
Left hands,
With rings
And their touch
Stings my soul.

Oh Christmas Tree

I took down the Christmas tree today,
Gently lifting each ornament
From dried out branches
Trying not to spill too many needles.

I thought of many of the people who gave them to me.
Many are doing this same task,
Removing the ornaments
From their trees.

"Our First Christmas Together",
"Our First House"
"Baby's First Christmas"
"Disney Vacation"

History displayed in decorations.
Trees filled with hundreds,
Thousands of memories.
My tree filled with hopes and wishes.

Despite my best efforts
The floor is carpeted with needles
Resembling a lonely,
Dark forest floor.

I tip the tree to drag it outside
Forgetting the water in the stand.
It spills and soaks my slippers.
Or is it a pool of tears in which I stand?

Changes

The God who never changes
Is always changing me.
Though He loves me as I am
He wants what’s best for me.


Softening harsh edges,
Removing sinful stains,
Adding joy and holiness,
My loss is always gain.


Wrestle, rant and rave with Him;
Tears, grief, fury, and despair.
Exhaustion overtakes me
Still I rage on my selfish war.


Life is very painful.
As He increases, I decrease.
Stretch marks, growing pains;
I beg for some relief!


Comfort and forgiveness come
In ways I could not dream,
With knowledge, insight, wisdom
That I share in Christ’s suffering.


It’s a privilege not all are privy.
Though I confess, I would prefer
He answer in other ways
But to His perfect plan I do defer.


He’s the same yesterday, today, tomorrow.
I’m glad that I am not.
What is now is better than before
But what’s to come is better yet.


I wait upon the LORD
To keep promises He made to me,
Not dreams or fanciful wishes
But solid, true certainties


Of peace, joy, contentment
Always and eternally.
No sin, no sorrow, no pain
Jesus gave us that surety. 


For He’s the God who never changes;
With kindness and tenderness He’s changing me.
Though He loves me as I am
He wants what’s best for me.

Nature Abhors a Vacuum

Its not an imbalance
That a chemical can counter.
Its not a weight
A drug can lift up.

Its pain.  Real pain.
A hole in my heart
With raw tissue exposed,
Stinging as if alcohol is being poured over me.

A deep inhale of ice cold air
On a subzero day burns my lungs.
Breathing hurts! But its necessary;
So I suffer the searing pain.

A cavity inside me
With nerves exposed.
Air being blown inside
Jolts of agony travel my body.

Nature abhors a vacuum
And so do I.
Jacob wrestled You; Hannab begged.
And so do I.

Please, answer me
As you answered them.

Deliverance

I come in from the cold

Shivering. My nose and toes
Numb from frigid temperatures.
The sound of the furnace kicking on

Greets me, calling me deeper inside.

My fingers sting; the heat hurts

As my hands begin to thaw.

But the sound of the fan blowing

Warm air reminds me
Comfort lies in the future.

I need only wait.

Drink Offering

This page is my drink offering.

Words flow like tears upon the page.

My heart bleeds in ink and pixels.

I am an empty vessel   laid upon your altar.

Will the steam from my blood sweat and tears

Rise up to You as an acceptable offering?

The Lantern

On the basement shelf sits an old kerosene lantern,

The finish touched only by time.

The globe is covered by dust, collected in it’s curves.

And rust is beginning to mar the base’s seams and edges.

Cobwebs hang in the corners of the shelf

And dust that’s landed evenly over the surfaces

Show no activity here for a long time.

No fingerprints or scrapes in the layers

This lamp was placed there long ago

With dreams of adventures and trips to come

But newer models came along

Lighter, sleeker, easier to use, brighter.

Its charred mantle gives evidence

Of having once been lit,

That once it brought forth a soft glow;

But it sits forgotten and replaced.

There’s still fuel to be burned

Still able to provide warmth and light someone’s way

It waits expectantly,

Ready for a match.

Antique

It’s harder for old, broken hearts.

Antiques are worn, weathered, fragile;

And parts are harder to find.

Care must be taken when handling.

Only skilled craftsmen should even try,

But they’re rare and in short supply.

None appreciate their character,

Their strength or soft lines,

The beauty of their intentional design.

There’s still useful  life remaining!

Love untapped!  Waiting to be

Wanted.  Desired.

Needing only minor repairs,

Hidden fortunes sit overlooked!

Wondering. Dreaming. Hoping

An Adirondack Performance

Sacandaga Lake, Sept 2014

“My heart leaps up...” said Wordworth,

Though he spoke figuratively.

MY heart does cartwheels and backflips

When in the woods and trees.

The heavens declare God’s glory.

All creation sings.

I’m privileged to be in the audience

Viewing this production of the King.

Costumed in red maple robes,

Oak yellow and evergreen.

Wind blows through the trees,

The choir voicing its melodic paean.

Lake waters ripple softly;

Waves add their harmony.

Crickets chirp, squirrels chatter,

Geese honk their antiphony.

Bright sun shines its spotlight

On the expansive stage.

The musical continues on

All throughout the day.

Daylight dims, the winds die down

The choir’s song begins to lull.

The moon rises, stars come out.

A celestial curtain call!

The stage goes dark. To bed I go

Yet my heart it still does leap.

Memories of day’s glorious show

Continue in my dreams as I drift off to sleep.