Apathy

life's autumn days

filling time with "to do" list

waiting for the end

Blessed Be the Tie that Binds

Dedicated to the Kriebel Family

Blessed be the tie that binds

Our hearts in Christian love.

The fellowship of kindred minds

Is like to that above.

-John Fawcett

This hymn was on my mind during a recent visit with my friend Emily. We hadn't seen each other in over 10 years, keeping in touch via informal emails, Christmas letters (hers, not mine. I've never written one), and Facebook. But our meeting just picked up where we'd left off. Our conversations were not just filled with anecdotes and current events, but with some intimate revelations, thoughts and spiritual insights. It was such a blessing seeing our Lord at work...in each other's lives and in our relationship.

When I first got to her house, I met her son, Joe (11) who chatted a bit and played piano for me. Later, while she and I sat at the dining room table catching up, her son, David (15?) played guitar while daughter, Christie (16?) sang. Then husband, Wayne (age not revealed) joined the concert. Later, I met James (12/13?) and Will (~22?). Jon (20/21?) and Katie (19) were unavailable. Despite the time lag of our last visit, there was no awkwardness or shyness. And her family welcomed me and went about there home life quite naturally, as if strangers visit and sleep on their couch all the time. I felt at home in a place I'd never been.

I'd refer to Em as a college friend, but during our visit I realized we'd never attended college together. Emily had transferred to PSU's Main Campus by the time I was at Behrend. It was through mutual friends in the Behrend College Christian Association that we met at a fall weekend retreat. Then, those mutual friends might refer to Em or me in conversations. So it just seemed like we'd always been friends all along.

When she graduated, Emily moved to Erie for about 6 months. We hung out a bit during that time. Then I visited her when she moved to North Carolina. I went to her wedding in Virginia and visited she and her husband a time or two again. But thinking back, our real connection, the tie that binds us is Jesus. It's He that allowed us to pick up our conversation as if no time had elapsed. It's He that allowed us to meet again without stumbling and stammering, having to reintroduce ourselves, deciding on how much we could trust each other or how personal our conversation could be.

Heaven will be like this. I will meet people like Rahab, Sarah Edwards and Corrie Ten Boom and not feel inadequate. I will sit down and drink tea with CS Lewis and not be afraid of saying something stupid. Of course, I'll say something stupid but we'll both have a great laugh and he'll tell me about all the stupid things he said, as well.

Thank you, Kriebels for that taste of heaven here on earth.

Let Everything That Has Breath Praise the LORD

"Let everything that has breath praise the LORD!"

Ps 150:6

As I was reading this the other day, I thought about those things that have breath. My dogs, plants, even the creek across the street from my home. All have "breath". That is, they all have some sort of oxygen exchange. How do they praise the LORD?

They praise the LORD just by doing that for which they were created. When Grace and Dora bark at the mailman or nap on the couch, they are praising the LORD. When the trees bud, flower, drop their leaves and even when they lay dormant, they are praising the LORD. Four Mile Creek praises the LORD as it runs over the rocks and stones, traveling to Lake Erie.

None of these earn a salary. They don't review day planners trying to eke out every last productive moment in their schedule (although Dora might chew a day planner if the opportunity presents itself). Yet, on a regular basis, they accomplish just what is expected by God.

How many Franklin Planner owners can claim this?

Spring Has Sprung

The calendar may show it's still winter, but according to my dogs, spring has sprung. This is evident by the constant twitching of their noses, taking in all the new scents freed from their icebergs.

Grace & Dora's noses seem to be acting as light switches for their eyes, which brighten with every flutter of their nostrils. The lights are powered by the swishing of their tales, like the cranks on old automobiles.

Canine senses are much more finely tuned than mine, but watching their reactions gives me an appreciation and excitement for God's creation, though I cannot see, hear or smell what they do. Sharing our spiritual experiences- trials as well as triumphs-is like this. One may not understand what I'm feeling, but they can see that God is working and they can rejoice. Just as I rejoice walking with Grace & Dora as they sniff out our Father's world.

Where's The Snooze Alarm Button?

My biological clock is ticking loudly. I hear the tick-tock everywhere - at the grocery store when I see a mother pushing a cart with a child in the seat; at work where I see new parents taking there infant to it's first pediatrician's appointment.

It's natural - not because of cultural issues, not for hormonal reasons, not because of TV, and other media pressures. It goes further than that - back to creation. I was created (not just biologically, but put together and planned for childbirth). It was a command of God. And having been made in His Image it's only natural that I would want to have something in my image as well - a baby.

And sin ruined it all. It makes me angry that because of sin, I don't get what I want - what I was made for. Is this righteous anger?

The Carol of the Shelves

It's not even noon, yet and so far today I've picked up around the house, shoveled the sidewalk, ran an errand outside the house and hung some shelves in my kitchen window. If I'd done nothing other than hang the shelves; if I do nothing else today with the remaining 12-1/2 hours, I would consider the day a success because of the shelves.

When I moved in to my house in 1996 I thought a few shelves in the kitchen window would be a pretty place to grow a few plants, display some pretty glasses or bottles, etc. And the window has remained barren since that thought first crossed my mind. There isn't even a curtain or a valance in the window. In fact, it's not a window at all but a piece of plexiglass screwed in and duct taped to the wall - it doesn't even have a window frame. (Odd, I know, but I don't care to get explain right now. I have another purpose to this post.)

Today I decided to finally do it. Since I'm unemployed, I have some spare time on my hands. However, since I'm unemployed, I don't have spare cash in my hands. Therefore, I purposed to use various materials (aka "junk") sitting in my basement. I used some scrap pieces of wood, some old rusted screws, etc and hung the shelves.

Since I did not use quality materials and my home repair skills are below basic, the workmanship is not great - in fact, it's laughably shoddy. But I'm proud of the result. And there's the problem - or at least what I think is a problem. (Please comment and let me know if this is or is not a problem.)

The pride in the job is not the issue. I completed a project that I'd wanted done for almost 14 years and I didn't spend a dime. I used my time and my money well - something for which I'm not always noted. But as I was looking at the poor workmanship I thought it would have been a lot better if only I'd asked someone who knew what they were doing to help me. Why didn't I? Is there another kind of pride at work here?

I think I didn't ask because, since I'm single, I feel I'm supposed to be self-sufficient. I'm supposed to be able to do these things on my own or at the very least hire someone to do them. I don't want to impose on anyone - especially for something as trivial as shelves. Those around me have spouses and children to care for. They have their own homes to maintain. And if by chance they do have some free time, they should spend quality time with their families, not hanging shelves in my kitchen window.

As I think this through, I see-saw back and forth. There is truth on both sides. And there are lies, on both sides as well. Where's the balance? What am I missing?

30 Steps to A Perfect Life and Other Lies

I am drawn to books and articles that offer solutions to life's problems in "x" number of steps. Clear and concise instructions with checklists appeal to my linear, methodical way of thinking. Just like various fad diets, they all work if you only can stick to them. But really, how many times can one perfectly repeat a mantra? How many bowls of cabbage soup can one stand?

These articles are nothing more than stylized, heavily marketed versions of the Law and they're lies. They don't work because we're human, we fail, we make mistakes, we become lazy or distracted by other more pressing obligations. The sense of failure when we slip up is devastating and damages our spirits, as well as our bodies.

But there is something/someone that does work - Jesus. "For God has done what the Law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh..." Romans 8:3

Deep breathing has it's place in managing stress. Eating more fruits and vegetables is a healthy practice. Counting to ten before hitting "Send" on a scathing email is a really good idea. But to look to these practices to solve life's problems is futile and leads to even further frustration and disappointment. Pursuing the various programs presented at newsstands and websites have no long-term success because they are not pursued by faith. Correction, they are not pursued by faith in the Sovereign God. Putting one's faith in the program is destined for failure; putting one's faith in God (and we can, only because of Jesus) will always succeed.

Even frustration, though, has it's purpose. "For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from it's bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God." Rom 8:20-21. Success is not defined by how many pounds one loses or accomplishing a debt free life. Success is freedom from bondage to sin and Law. Success is freedom from the disappointment experienced from mistakes and failures and injustices. Success is leaning on God's grace and mercy.

Hark the Herald

My favorite verse from my favorite Hymn:

: "Pleased as man with man to dwell, Jesus, our Emmanuel."

What more can be said.

Emphasis Mine

It's amazing how changing the emphasis on certain words, changes the meaning of the sentence.

"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." OR "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away."

Bah Humbug

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNkvM1BSwy0

Why is it...

...when I go to bed early to catch up on lost sleep, I wake up even earlier and can't get back to sleep?

Follow the Dress Code

In August, a friend invited me to participate in my first golf tournament. The event was held at an exclusive, private club which has a dress code. Understand that until that day, I'd only golfed in a t-shirt, jeans (or my favorite, bleach-stained shorts) and sneakers. This event required me to wear modest length shorts (not really a problem for me), a collared shirt (no t-shirt) and appropriate shoes. Therefore, I was forced to purchase my first ever pair of golf shoes.

I'm not a great golfer(truly the understatement of the year), but on this day, in my new shoes, I noticed my swing was better than usual. Not great, but better. My girlfriend, Karen (an experienced golfer) commented that I did a good job of keeping my feet straight and still. I attributed this to my new, cleated shoes. In my sneakers, I was probably moving my feet ever so imperceptibly, which was affecting my golf swing. No matter how hard I would try to keep them still, my sneakers were not offering me the stability required.

I thought of this while listening to a sermon recently. The speaker mentioned the passage in Ephesians regarding the armor of God which got me thinking of the part that says "as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace".

Honestly, I do not live the gospel of peace. I get caught up in the shoulda, coulda, wouldas of life and they rob me of peace. Though I know better, I still try to regulate my life with lists, achieving spiritual acceptability through good deeds, etc. but like golfing in sneakers, a life of legalism and salvation by works throws off my spiritual swing and I never reach where I'm aiming. The gospel of peace (through the grace of God through Jesus) keeps my feet and therefore my life steady and straight. I could donate thousands of dollars and hours to charitable works and live the letter of biblical law, but without those "cleats of peace" my feet unintentionally slip and send me into a spiritual rough.

It amazed me at what an impact such a small investment in golf shoes could make on my golf game. Accepting the gospel of peace costs even less than those shoes. God's provided the appropriate footwear and they fit perfectly. I just need to take the time to put them on.

One of C S Lewis's Wisest Quotes

"You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me."

C.S. Lewis

The Never Ending Exam

Seems like there are more questions in life than answers.

Jumping in this Fountain Allowed

"Foul, I to the fountain fly; wash me, Saviour, or I die."

Freud Got Some Things Right

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate in their object-relations."

Sigmund Freud

A Brother's Love (as only a brother can express)

A few weeks ago, I was out to dinner with my family. As I approached the restaurant table, my sister-in-law commented on my recent weight loss, telling me I looked "really good". My brother commented, "I'm her brother. I can't say that. I can only say she doesn't look as bad as she used to." :p

A Step Behind

It seems I'm always behind. Whether my housework, homework, work-work and most important...life.

There are milestone markers for children to measure their progress - their first smile, when they're able to roll over, etc. There are also "milestone markers" for more advanced ages, as well. And I haven't seemed to have hit any of them.

While most people learned to drive in their teens, I didn't learn until I was 27 years old. While the average age of a college graduate is 22, I'm still working on my Bachelors degree at 48. While most friends my age have been married quite some time, have children and even grandchildren...well, we know where I rank there.

I'm overcome by a sense of never ever being able to catch up. I'll never reach "my full potential"; my life is half over and it's never really begun.

Quote of the Day

The family seems to have two predominant functions: to provide warmth and love in time of need and to drive each other insane.

-- Donald G. Smith

My Failure as an Eco Reader

I've been listening to a lot of books on CD of late. And in the true spirit of Eco Reading, I've been utilizing the public library. I've found that:

a) I'm able to check out new authors without investing in valuable and treasured reading time.

b) I like listening to speaking voices more than I like listening to the music on the radio.

c) And more to the point of this post, no trees were injured in the making of the CD.

However...

when I find a book I like, I wind up making unnecessary trips just to progress further in the book.

Yesterday, I went for a 60 mile drive in order to finish listening to Michael Connelly's "The Overlook" (the first but not the last of his books that I will listen to/read, btw) - greenhouse gases be damned. Not to mention that at the current price of gas, it would have been cheaper to buy the paperback.